On Guilt
I have to admit, I have an addiction. To guilt.
I rarely play the victim card (or at least I hope I avoid it), but in my head, a lot of the time, I wallow. I’ve wallowed in self-pity, in anger, and most of all, in guilt.
In fact, I’ve spent more time wallowing in guilt than making efforts to ebb the causes of the guilt. It’s ridiculous, really. The apartment’s not clean? Guilt. No job? Guilt. Car is broken? Guilt. Wallow. Pity. Shame.
I think it’s taken months and months (as well as several summers) of unemployment to get me to realize how to fix this. I’ve given up on feeling guilty. I’ve given up on avoidance.
A lot of this is coming to terms with who I am. I am a little lazy, and a lot scared. Scared something is going to go wrong, scared I’ll screw it up, scared I won’t get the job.
And well, I accept that. I accept that I’m scared and that it’s just that much harder to get me motivated. And somehow, I don’t know, just accepting it made it that much easier to actually DO the things that cause the guilt. There are fewer steps in the routine. It used to be 1. Have a task. 2. Feel guilty about not doing it. 3. Feel more guilty the next day. 4. Feel more guilty the next day. 5. Start thinking about doing it. 6. Maybe finally start on it. 7. More guilt. 8. Maybe work some more. 9-21. Guilt. 22. Finish!
I’ve eliminated nearly ALL of the steps!
Since doing this, too, I’ve started recognizing the guilt in other people. It’s in blog entries and status updates and the grocery store. My Mom does it, my friends do it. They “haven’t gotten around to it yet,” and “feel terrible it hasn’t been done.”
But you know what? A lot of those things aren’t necessary to life, like doing your laundry right away on a schedule, or cooking every meal, or not having turned in that one application yet, or having all your dishes done when they’re supposed to be, or exercising yesterday morning.
Forget that. Those are USELESS reasons to feel bad about yourself! The point is, do what the EFF you want to do! Get that done! I just have to stop letting guilt get in the way of my day.
